My First

Well, here we go. This is the first blog I've ever written although I have extensive experience as a blog voyeur.

I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions lately about choices I’ve made in the past and how to proceed with the future.

I’m 37 years old, single but involved and feel as though my accomplishments are limited. I have a niece that I love more than anything but she lives 1100 miles away. I’ve been dating the same man for over 10 years and there’s no sign of commitment from him. So I can’t help but wonder, what happens next?

I know how I got here, it just seemed to happen quicker than I ever thought it could. As a kid, I thought my parents and other adults were crazy when they talked about how fast time went by. Christmas and summer breaks seemed to take forever and now weeks and months seem to slip through my fingers like grains of sand. Years were lost to chaos when a little storm named Katrina shook my world like a giant snowglobe. Still, it's been a blur for the last 10 years or so.

So here I am, wanting to be a mother and still holding out hope. My clock is ticking so loud I'm starting to think I live next to Big Ben. My heart hurts thinking about having to make the choice between the man I love and the idea of having a child. He says that he wants kids, but it's hard to imagine him committing to a life with a child when he can't commit to me. Is that the kind of father that I want for my baby? What if I'm not ever someone's mother? Is that something that I can live with? I honestly don't know, but it feels wrong. I feel like I was meant to be someone's mom.

But I love my guy and so, for now, I remain undecided on what to do next. Hopefully, I can find a way to hold on to the days and pay attention to the passage of time.