Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Have you ever thought of your relationships with friends, family and significant others as plants?

For just a minute, think about the relationships in your life. Imagine each one as a different plant. Are those plants healthy and thriving or are they withered and dying?

Just like plants, we can't welcome people into our lives and then expect them to take care of themselves. In order to grow, they need water, sunlight and love. You have to be careful too. You can't just put all of your plants in one place in the yard and expect them all to do well. Some need more sun, others require constant attention and still others will drown if you water them too much.

Why do we assume that relationships will take care of themselves? If a plant is trying to grow but there's no one there to take care of it, it will die. Our relationships run the same risk.

I have some friendships that have stood the test of time. I can go for long periods of time without talking to some friends and we can pick up later as though no time has passed. The only reason that works is because the relationship was already cultivated and nurtured. It just needs a little TLC every now and then.

Intimate relationships are different. It will never work if one partner is doing the bulk of the work and the emotionally neglectful. It might last a little while, but that's tedious and one-sided.

How does your relationship garden grow?

Grateful

No huge epiphanies today - nothing grand to say.

Today I am grateful that I have a partner who loves and cares about me enough to force me to stand up for myself when he thinks someone is trying to take advantage of me.

Thanks baby. I miss you. Can't wait for you to move back home.

Decisions, decisions

I was talking to my sister this morning and we ended up on the subject of happiness. Here’s the question: Is happiness a decision you make or just something that you are, like a girl with green eyes?

I certainly think that I'm a happy person. I'm not happy every moment of every day, but I definitely spend more time in a good mood than I do in a bad mood. I usually see the glass as half full, I believe that most people are inherently good and I still really want to believe that, one day, Lucy is going to let Charlie Brown kick that damn football.

So the question becomes am I happy because I choose to be? Is it a decision that I made at some point, way back when, that this is how I was going to live my life or is it how I'm designed, genetically or environmentally, to be?

I should say that I believe depression is a real and potentially deadly disease. I think that even people who would have described themselves as happy in the past could easily find themselves succumbing to unimaginable sadness for any number of reasons.

So not including mental illnesses (clinical depression or manic states), how much of a person's day to day happiness comes from decisions we make to be that way? I don't seek emotional pain, but I don't shy away from it either. I think the awareness of painful emotions makes those days where pain is absent more joyful, more appreciated. If we build cocoons around ourselves or our children, do we risk allowing them to know how fortunate and joyful their lives are most days? Do I decide to be happier than some people because I know it could almost always be worse?

I feel the same way about love. Sure, those initial feelings of euphoria you feel about your partner are what gets a relationship started, but what keeps it going year after year? I think part of it is the attraction you have for your mate, but another large part of love is waking up every morning and deciding to love them. It's not necessarily a conscious decision on a daily basis, but I really believe that you have some control over sustaining your love.

I know that there's a huge chance that I'm wrong about all of this. I mean, I certainly don't have a ton of life experience. I can count on one hand the amount of times I thought I was in love (and I think I was wrong all but one of those times). I live in the same city I was born in, my parents are still married and I have a small but reliable group of friends. But you know, whether it was my choice or not, I'm happy.

Right now, that's all that matters.